“No, I don’t want a job with your company, I’m just really desperate for work.” – An honest cover letter.

To so and so CEO, or SEO or whoever you are,

The name’s Doug. Don’t even think about calling me anything else. I’ll chuck ya a fake smile, but you’re dead to me. I’ve changed my name on Facebook, so don’t bother looking me up. But if you do somehow come across it (get a life), then yes. I like my shirtless selfies at the gym and so does everyone else.

I have the following skills: project management, problem-solving, and more, but only because I’ve copied and pasted them from the requirements on your job listing. I’ve also added a few others, like Photoshop, because, how hard can it be?

My perception atop the English etymological is exceedingly virtuous. I’m tremendously upright at prose and discourse. – You see, all I’ve done here is use the synonym tool on Word to make my sentence sound smarter. High communication skills? Tick!

How would I sum myself up? Well, my friends often tell me we’re meeting an hour before we do because I’m always late. I’ll often come to work hungover and I’ll probably just tell you it’s a cold or Bird flu or whatever sickness is trending. Is glandular fever spreading in Australia yet? That’s next on my list.

When it comes to integrity, well I guess you could say I have a habit of stealing my workmate’s lunches. It’s not my fault last night’s leftover pasta bake smells so good, Albert.

Teamwork? Let me be frank. I hate working in a team, doesn’t everyone? I’d rather eat my lunch (finders keepers) in the smelly toilet than talk about my colleagues’ kids first art class. His drawings suck, Marilyn. It looks nothing like a duck.

I’ve actually never heard of your company, but cash is cash. I’m really keen on travelling to Mexico next year and then I’m making my way to the US, so any job will do. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m desperate, but my mind is dead set on Coachella and my flower crown isn’t going to pay for itself.

I know this is a receptionist job, but I hate talking on the phone. So just email me back, alright?

Cheers,

Doug.

P.S. Please excuse me if I forgot to change the company name, role title, or your name on this cover letter – I’ve sent about 50 today and can’t bother proofreading any of them.